Death’s Doorway of a Different Kind

by Lyn Marsh,PhD on June 15, 2014

If I Believe

if i believe
in death be sure
of this
it is

because you have loved me,
moon and sunset
stars and flowers
gold crescendo and silver muting

of seatides
i trusted not,
one night
when in my fingers

drooped your shining body
when my heart
sang between your perfect
breasts

darkness and beauty of stars
was on my mouth petals danced
against my eyes
and down

the singing reaches of
my soul
spoke
the green-

greeting pale-
departing irrevocable
sea
i knew thee death.

and when
i have offered up each fragrant
night,when all my days
shall have before a certain

face become
white
perfume
only,
from the ashes
then
thou wilt rise and thou
wilt come to her and brush

the mischief from her eyes and fold
her
mouth the new
flower with

thy unimaginable
wings,where dwells the breath
of all persisting stars

(e.e.cummings)

conversations mist fills space swirl A thick mist fills the silence of Virginia Woolf’s last words. The mist drapes itself around their minds until each one of them surrenders to its penetration as they slip between their timeless moments of exploration …

Not one iota of their consciousness remains at this edge. Yet a surge of archetypal joy explodes from within Nature’s naked exposure of Its purity and unabashed innocence … as it undulates itself outward from the bubbling cauldron, to form conversations meadow and rolling hills gardens and meadows of rounded mounds rolling themselves over and onto the edge of cosmos into forever …

And out of the blue, the cool wet slippery drip drip drip of condensation … along with their passion filled living imagination … reconstitutes them around the cauldron which now, is surrounded by a conversations rose death song rose garden that sings of death.

Virginia Woolf leans closer to Anais Nin.

Woolf:

The rocks I put in my pockets, took me deep into the river of oblivion. I awoke in a rose garden. Oblivion pulled at me. The rose garden seduced me. Oblivion danced me into an abyss. But the rose garden was waiting for me, on the other side.

As I dismissed myself in this profound transition, I noticed that my rose buds tightened and held on to themselves until they withered from suffocation. Yet another bud … and another … began to unfold. I could not suffocate eternity.

I loved Vita and Leonard. Vita was truly there to help me heal my wounds from the dry ice that had tried to mother me, as a child. Yet Vita would never surrender with me, completely. Most of the time, I missed her.

I felt love for Leonard … as he loved me. We were companions … but I so yearned for the quiet times of intimacy and fulfillment, that Vita and I shared. I wish that we had not been as frightened of the intimacy and the fulfillment that it offered.

There was so much violence and we lost much in the war. I felt empty and I blamed myself. Women were less significant, and were tolerated more as they would deny themselves and their truer nature. I did not want to continue on … in that world.

I told myself, and most everyone agreed, that I was mentally ill … that I was flawed. But it would have been more true, to say that I could not ever truly feel that I belonged any where … not in the world in which I lived.

I tried to let Leonard know how happy I was with him in my suicide note. And I was happy that he cared and loved me as he did. I was so lonely. Was he loving who I was? I did not accept or love who I was. How then could he?

So I returned to the waters that flow back to the Sea.

The interesting thing is that as I was underwater, breathing it into my lungs … after my initial panic … I felt the deepest calm, I have ever felt. I felt relief. I felt a sense of euphoria, as I began to experience in those last moments what it felt like to ‘be’ part of everything … that I belonged. I realized in that moment that I could have had a different, even beautiful, life, but that would no longer happen. I accepted this.

Then, I sensed a beautiful movement of my soul through a portal and into a desolate place … with no life at all. I had no feelings or thoughts about anything. I guess it was a void of some kind. The red crimson light seemed to shine as a slit, from out of nowhere, and I was compelled to enter its opening. With the help of a light to guide my way, I walked deep into the cave beyond the crimson light. I spiraled down and down, until I found a door … that seemed to lead no where.

In a state of utter perplexity, I gently turned the handle of this door … and as a crack of opening appeared, I was inside another world. I wasn’t transported. It was as if that world and I had never been separated, and that I did not need to go anywhere to be there. Yet, I wouldn’t have known that unless I had opened that door.

At first I was confused. What had I done? I knew my intentions were not to pay anyone back … nor did I kill myself out of martyrdom or self pity. I knew then, that if I had had those intentions, I would have been in a very very confused and frightened place. I sensed beings who had passed and were so lost in these places.

After this awareness, I was relieved. And then I was ecstatic. I knew that I had not intended to hurt the people I loved. At the same time, out of respect for myself and my own evolution, I left because, for me; it felt like a more elegant choice. I left because I believed it was the right thing to do. Maybe I wasn’t correct in my assumption, but at the time, I sincerely believed that it was the right thing to do.

This awareness was a symphony. It was Beethoven’s B flat quartet, Op. 130. I could feel Leonard listening to that music. And I experienced a love that we had never known … for both of us.

And Vita. She was my life … And I believe that she shall forever be a part of who I am. She wrote to Leonard after she learned of my death.

“The loveliest mind and spirit I ever knew, immortal both to the world and us who loved her. … This is not a hard letter to write as you will know something of what I feel and words are unnecessary. For you I feel a really overwhelming sorrow, and for myself a loss which can never diminish.”

We didn’t heal. But I can feel now, that we are healed. We are healed in a future resonance of love. It is alive now. I know it is real. I am here to birth myself new from this future.

And here I am. It is you I meet. Not yet Vita. And we are on the edge. Yes, I want to be a part of this. I want my own healing and joy for life, to touch every depressed soul to help them know that they are not defective. They need new direction … and can find this by looking for a new way of being — to motivate themselves, to relentlessly ask for everything … and settle for nothing — while holding a vision of life and love surpassing even their most beautiful of dreams, fulfilling even the most primordial of their hopes.

And in the love, they can find some way to reach out, one more time … to give themselves, and the ones they love, a second chance … and then another second chance … and another — not from a place of martyr … from a place of celebration for a future that can be here now.

Einstein sits by the bonfire in a deep penetrating hush … with Kurt Godel, William, Anais Nin, e.e.cummings, Erwin Schrodinger, Barbara McClintock, Carl Jung, and their beloved Virginia.

Old One Who Talks With Einstein in Afterlife Old One:

As you share your stories of dying and death,you will know more of the secrets of death, yes. You can also come to know more of your destiny. Ask yourself as you tell your story … ‘Who am I?’

Anais Nin:

I think of my love,
Rupert. I died of cancer, slowly in deep pain and suffering. He fumbled with how to be with me. I did not know how to receive him in those times of deep suffering. I think of the impact that both my dying and my death had on him. I know I was the love of his life. He was the love of mine. I was married to another man, who I had love for, on the other side of the country, but my eternal love was, and continues to be, Rupert. I know I will find him here as we are ready.

It is true, Virginia, Rupert and I are together now, in a future resonance that does not have linear time as humans relate. I can sense that love. This is where I begin to birth myself new.

My death experience was different than yours, Virginia.

(to be continued)

“…You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler